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Can Rashard Lewis Save America?

News   June 3, 2009 at 12:40 pm SportsNerd

[Editor's Note: For those of you who hate the NBA because they stole the Sonics, here's the reason you should care about this year's NBA finals between L.A. and Orlando: It's up to former Sonic Rashard Lewis, Orlando's sharp-shooter, to save America from the evil Kobe Bryant.]

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Rashard Lewis. We’re counting on you. Please please please, ice Kobe.

I imagine most of America feels like Slate’s Sam Anderson about Kobe Bryant, “I detest Kobe with such bilious overpowering fervor that, when he’s playing well, I have trouble doing much else with my life: an incapacitating dark sludge floods my soul.” The consuming hatred is just that: 2004 to the present will go down as the “Please Anyone but Kobe” era.

So what happens if Kobe…oh god…wins a title as the top dog. It will mean Kobe will have done more with less than Shaq (who is better than anyone else on the current Lakers even if he needed a young Kobe and Dwyane Wade for his rings). He will have won a title despite never overcoming his team killing selfishness and attitude issues which is a momentous achievement. He will be, after only Tim Duncan, the second greatest player since Jordan’s ’98 retirement. It would be too much to bear.

Maybe this is just the hatred talking but I still believe Orlando can prevent this horrible future. Orlando has proven to be a consistent and competitive team. They don’t let buzzer beaters (such as Big Baby’s in the Boston series or LeBron’s in the Cleveland series) break their confidence. Dwight Howard matches up well against Pau Gasol because he is a physical banger who can mess with the Spaniard like Houston’s bigs did.

But most importantly, they have a creative fourth quarter offense that keeps them in any close game. Denver lost the Western Conference final to LA because of bone head fourth quarter mishaps. They messed up inbound plays and squandered transition opportunities with over eager passes. Orlando is too smart for this and they have two merciless three point shooters (Hedo Turkuglu and Rashard Lewis) who can ice any game. Please God let this be enough.


  • http://www.democracynow.org/ notaboomer

    :+: :+: “bonehead” is a great sportswriting word.

  • http://www.democracynow.org/ notaboomer

    :+: :+: “bonehead” is a great sportswriting word.

  • http://bryanbissell.blogspot.com/ BTB

    I disagree strongly with one of your premises. 2009 Shaq is roughly 30 percent worse than 2009 Pau Gasol. Gasol is dirty.

    That said, I agree with the notion that every God-loving American should be filling their houses with anti-Kobe witchcraft charms right now, and then going for the jinx with reverse psychology smug Kobe cheering during the games.

    But, then again, do we really want any glory given to Central Florida? Why couldn’t Denver or Cleveland have won?!

  • http://bryanbissell.blogspot.com BTB

    I disagree strongly with one of your premises. 2009 Shaq is roughly 30 percent worse than 2009 Pau Gasol. Gasol is dirty.

    That said, I agree with the notion that every God-loving American should be filling their houses with anti-Kobe witchcraft charms right now, and then going for the jinx with reverse psychology smug Kobe cheering during the games.

    But, then again, do we really want any glory given to Central Florida? Why couldn’t Denver or Cleveland have won?!

  • Mark Centz

    Simple concept. Fuck the NBA. Which also means fuck Kobe and his marketing machine. Mostly though, I don’t think about Kobe because I don’t follow the NBA on TV or online. And America has a host of evils more important than KB- Glen Beck, anti-gay and pro-torture Obama, ARod, Pat Buchanan, random armed wingnut of the day, BillO, Newt G, Osama B-L, the banksters, David Stern and some rich hayseed from Oklahoma. Among others. Glad there’s some note of the Sounders here, and there are rumors of a baseball team in town. You want to save America from Kobe? Try ignoring him, for good and for always.

  • Mark Centz

    Simple concept. Fuck the NBA. Which also means fuck Kobe and his marketing machine. Mostly though, I don’t think about Kobe because I don’t follow the NBA on TV or online. And America has a host of evils more important than KB- Glen Beck, anti-gay and pro-torture Obama, ARod, Pat Buchanan, random armed wingnut of the day, BillO, Newt G, Osama B-L, the banksters, David Stern and some rich hayseed from Oklahoma. Among others. Glad there’s some note of the Sounders here, and there are rumors of a baseball team in town. You want to save America from Kobe? Try ignoring him, for good and for always.